As far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpson's Roasting on an Open Fire
%
Lisa:	Remember, Dad.  The handle of the Big Dipper points to the 
	North Star.

Homer:	That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class.  We're in
	the woods.

		   The Call of the Simpsons
%
Yeah.  Wait a minute.  It's the guy from TV.  My kid's 
hero...Cruddy...Crummy...Krusty the Clown!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Krusty Gets Busted
%
Uh, so.  Let's have a conversation.  Uh, I think we'll find that we have
very little in common.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Last Temptation of Homer
%
Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister.  I
want to see you both fighting for your parents' love.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa on Ice
%
I don't want to look like a weirdo.  I'll just go with a muumuu.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   King-Size Homer
%
Oh my God!  Space aliens!  Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids!  Eat
them.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror VII
%
Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do
every morning.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa the Vegetarian
%
You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.  She
said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and, God bless her soul, she
was really onto something.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Lisa:	So gambling makes a good thing even better?

Homer:	That's right.  My God, it's like there's some kind of bond
	between us.

		   Lisa the Greek
%
Jeez.  No beer ... no opera dogs ...

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Genius
%
You're everywhere.  You're omnivorous.

		-- Homer Simpson, to God
		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what
about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke
cigars?

		-- Homer Simpson, on Heaven
		   The Telltale Head
%
You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather
feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I
sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Night Out
%
Could this be the best day of my life?

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Heretic
%
Kirk:	One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day
	you're thawin'a hot dog in a gas station sink.

Homer:	Oh, that's tough, pal.  But it's never gonna happen to me.

		   A Milhouse Divided
%
See these?  American donuts.  Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled.
Now, how's that for freedom of choice.

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Crepes of Wrath
%
The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show
starring my wife's sisters -- or as I call them, `the gruesome twosome.'

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Krusty Gets Busted
%
I'm not a bad guy.  I work hard and I love my kids.  So why should I spend
half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Heretic
%
Mmm...incapacitating.

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Connection
%
Marge, try to understand.  There are two kinds of college students: jocks
and nerds.  As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Goes to College
%
Listen, you big, stupid space-creature.  Nobody, but nobody, eats the
Simpsons!

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror
%
I wore my extra loose pants for nothing.  Nothing!

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   New Kid on the Block
%
You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here!  Your family is better
than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and
your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt!
You make me sick!

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dead Putting Society
%
Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this.  It is not okay to
lose.

       		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dead Putting Society
%
As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to
do with alcohol.  It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dancin' Homer
%
Homer:	What?!  Flanders!  You're the Devil?

Devil Flanders:
	Ho-oh, it's always the one you least suspect.

		   Treehouse of Horror IV
%
D'oh!  English!  Who needs that?  I'm never going to England. Come on,
let's smoke.

		-- Homer Simpson, talking Barney into cutting class
		   The Way We Was
%
They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Colonel Homer
%
I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will
get you through life.  Number one, `Cover for me.'  Number two, `Oh, good
idea, boss.'  Number three, `It was like that when I got here.'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Bluefish
%
Always remember that you're representing our country.  I guess what I'm
saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Crepes of Wrath
%
I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Front
%
Barney:	Boy, you never stop eating and you don't gain a pound.

Homer:	It's my metaba-ma-lism.  I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.

		   The Way We Was
%
Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much.  But you're living in a
world of makebelieve.  With flowers and bells and leprechauns.  And magic
frogs with funny little hats...

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Blood Feud
%
Did you hear that, Marge?  She called me a baboon!  The stupidest,
ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Substitute
%
Holy Moly!  The bastard's rich!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Love isn't hopeless.  Look, maybe I'm no expert on the subject, but there
was one time I got it right.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Another Simpson's Clip Show
%
First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun
of the way I talk -- probably -- now he steals my right to raise a
disobedient, smart-alecky son!  Well, that's it!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Two Bad Neighbors
%
If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Flaming Moe's
%
Keep brain from freezing.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpson and Delilah
%
Lurleen, I can't get your song outta my mind.  I haven't felt this way 
since `Funky Town.'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Colonel Homer
%
Marge:	Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?

Homer:	Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need one hundred and fifty
	dollars here.

		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Marge:	Homer, you're his father.  You've got to reason with him.

Homer:	Oh, that never works.  He's a goner!

		   Bart the Daredevil
%
I thought there was chocolate inside ... Well, why was it wrapped in foil?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Mr. Plow
%
I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world.  He's a 
jerk -- end of story.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   When Flanders Failed
%
Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman.  You just
have to read the manual and press the right button.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Defined
%
Homer:	Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

Bart:	Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

Homer:	Why you little -- !

		   Like Father Like Clown
%
I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard.  And
-- and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey
myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises -- you got it?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror II
%
Homer:	I'm a bad father!

Selma:	You're also fat!

Homer:	I'm also fat!

		   Saturdays of Thunder
%
Foul temptress.  I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy, too!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Last Temptation of Homer
%
Homer:	No TV and No Beer Make Homer ... something something.

Marge:	Go crazy?

Homer:	Don't mind if I do!

		   Treehouse of Horror V
%
It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the
eighties.  Those were idealistic days: the candidacy of John Anderson,
the rise of Supertramp.  It was an exciting time to be young.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   I Married Marge
%
Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Burns, Baby Burns
%
Homer:	I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt.

Bart:	We've seen it, Dad.

		   Homer at the Bat
%
Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat.  It also gives me the 
right -- no, the duty -- to make a complete ass of myself.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Dancin' Homer
%
Herb:	I want you to help me design a car.  A car for all the Homer
	Simpsons out there!  And I want to pay you two hundred thousand
	dollars a year!

Homer:	And I want to let you!

		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Homer:	There couldn't be heaven if there weren't a hell.

Bart:	Who's in there?

Homer:	Oh, uh ... Hitler's dog.  And that dog Nixon had, whassisname, um,
	Chester ...

Lisa:	Checkers.

Homer:	Yeah!  One of the Lassies is in there, too.  The mean one -- the
	one that mauled Jimmy.

		   Dog of Death
%
Losers!  Losers!  Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Loves Flanders
%
The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse of Horror III
%
Karl:	You don't belong here.  You're a fraud and a phony and it's only
	a matter of time until they find you out.

Homer:	(gasps)  Who told you?

		   Simpson and Delilah
%
Bart:	What'd you do?  Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger
	than Jesus?

Homer:	All the time.  It was the title of our second album.

		   Homer's Barbershop Quartet
%
Kirk:	What makes you guys so special?

Homer:	Because Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a
	strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.

		   A Milhouse Divided
%
Ah, sweet pity: where would my love life have been without it?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   I Love Lisa
%
Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer
%
Bart:	So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad
	so other kids will like you better?

Homer:	You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

		   The Telltale Head
%
I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil
War!  Heh, heh, heh!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer The Great
%
Weaseling out of things is important to learn.  It's what seperates us
from the animals.  Except the weasel.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Boy-Scoutz In The Hood
%
Homer:	Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies
	away.

Bart and Lisa:
	Noooooo!

Homer:	Mainly your mother.

		   Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
%
Homer:	Okay, okay, don't panic.  To find Flanders, I just have to think
	like Flanders!

Homer's Brain:
	I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater
	everyday, and --

Homer:	The Springfield River!

		   Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
%
It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Goes To College
%
We live in a society of laws.  Why do you think I took you to all those
"Police Academy" movies?  For fun?  Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin',
did you?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Marge Be Not Proud
%
Stealing?!  How could you?!  Haven't you learned anything from that
guy who gives those sermons at church?  Captain What's-his-name?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Marge Be Not Proud
%
Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and
old people are useless.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer The Vigilante
%
Homer:	Little baby batter / Can't control his bladder!

Burns:	Mmm...Crude, but I like it.  What do you say we freshen up out
	little drinkie poos?

Homer:	Don't mind if I do.

		   Dancin' Homer
%
Homer:	Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying.  I already did the same thing,
	and we can't both win.

Flanders:
	Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt.

		   Dead Putting Society
%
Asleep at the switch!  I wasn't asleep!  I was drunk!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer The Vigilante
%
Hey!  Let's do that 2,000-pound man thing.  I'll be that Carl Reiner guy,
and you be what's-his-face.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer vs. Patty and Selma
%
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.  People die all the time.
Just like that.  Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.  Well, good night.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Fink
%
Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?  I
mean, isn't God everywhere?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer the Heretic
%
And anyone can be tooted?

		-- Homer Simpson, on tutoring
		   The Way We Was
%
Flanders:
	Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us
	friends.

Homer:	To Ned Flanders, the richest left-handed man in town.

		   When Flanders Failed
%
There's an empty spot I've always had inside me.  I tried to fill it with
family, religion, community service.  But those were all dead ends.  I
think this chair is the answer.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?
%
Bart:	Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer:	He was a zombie?

		   Treehouse of Horror III
%
If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing
defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer and Apu
%
See you in hell, candy boys!!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Badman
%
All right.  His story checks out.

		-- Homer Simpson, checking in the encyclopedia
				  under "Bush, George"
		   Two Bad Neighbors
%
I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV!  This one's
for real!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   A Milhouse Divided
%
Hmmm, look at those eyes.  He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the
good Las Vegas way.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Mountain of Madness
%
Marge!  I'm two-thirty-nine, and I'm feeling fine!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brush With Greatness
%
I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we
could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the
cows come home.  But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brother From The Same Planet
%
Well if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd
lessons!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Boy-Scoutz N The Hood
%
Yeah.  Maybe I do have the right ... What's that stuff?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Deep Space Homer
%
And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe
dream.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart Vs. Thanksgiving
%
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man!  Which makes me the woman -- and
I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear,
which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Connection
%
Hello?  Yes?  Oh!  Heh, heh, uh ... if you're looking for that big donut
of yours ... um, Flanders has it.  Just smash open his house.  (Closing
the door.)  He came to life.  Good for him.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse Of Horror VI
%
He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of
charging $6.95 for it.

		-- Moe Syzlak
		   Flaming Moe's
%
Wh ... what's going on?  Wh ... wha ... why am I on a Japanese box?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   In Marge We Trust
%
Wait a minute, Marge.  I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire."  This is a man in drag!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious
%
Abe:	I used to be `with it.'  But then they changed what `it' was.  Now
	what I'm `with' isn't `it' and what's `it' seems weird and scary
	to me.  It'll happen to you.

Homer:	No way, man.  We're gonna keep on rockin' forever!

		   Homerpalooza
%
Yes!  Oh, yes!  Read it and weep!  In your face -- I got more chicken
bone!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   When Flanders Failed
%
Must destroy mankind!  (His watch alarm goes off)  Ooh, lunchtime!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Goes To College
%
Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous
story of my own.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Another Simpsons Clip Show
%
Marge:	Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?

Homer:	Yup, pretty much.  Except we drove around in a van solving
	mysteries.

		   A Milhouse Divided
%
Out at five, catch General Sherman at five-thirty, clean him at six, eat
him at six-thirty, back in bed by seven with no incriminating evidence.
Heh heh heh.  The perfect crime.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The War Of The Simpsons
%
Pfft.  Now you tell me.

		-- Homer Simpson, finding out that working at a nuclear
				  plant can make one sterile
		   I Married Marge
%
I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat
breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask
in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant fresh as a daisy.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa's Pony
%
Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an
appropriate time.  Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey 
bottle.  'Member that?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Whacking Day
%
Come here, you little raven!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse Of Horror
%
Your mother seems really upset.  I better go have a talk with 
her -- during the commercial.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious
%
Homer:	The secret ingredient is --

Moe:	Homer, no!

Homer:	Cough syrup!  Nothing but plain, ordinary, over-the-counter 
	children's cough syrup!

		   Flaming Moe's
%
Hee, hee!  I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Itchy & Scratchy Land
%
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the
lightbulb.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart The Genius
%
It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart.  Lisa,
maybe you should try some of this.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart The Genius
%
Dammit, I'm no supervising technician.  I'm a technical supervisor.  It's
too late to teach this old dog new tricks.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Odyssey
%
That shot is impossible!  Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Scenes From The Class Struggle In Springfield
%
Homer:	I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

Pump Jockey:
	It's your heart.  And I think it's on its last thump.

Homer:	Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission.

		   Homer's Triple Bypass
%
Rock 'n' Roll had become stagnant.  `Achy Breaky Heart' was seven years
away.  Something had to fill the void, and that something was barbershop.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Barbershop Quartet
%
Flanders!  My socks feel dirty!  Gimme some water to wash 'em!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Boy-Scoutz N The Hood
%
Kent:	Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been
	causing more crimes than it's been preventing?

Homer:	Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.

		   Homer The Vigilante
%
Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic
snarls, political strife at home and abroad.  But I promise you, the second
all of those things go away, we'll have sex.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy
%
It works on any Ayatollah!  Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi ... Even
as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating
their power!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Two Bad Neighbors
%
Um, it's like, uh ... did anyone see the movie `Tron'?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Treehouse Of Horror VI
%
I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer The Smithers
%
You can't depend on me all your lives.  You have to learn that there's a
little Homer Simpson in all of us.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Defined
%
When will I learn?  The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of
a bottle.  They're on TV!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Homer:	This place is depressing.

Grampa:	Hey!  I live here.

Homer:	Oh, well, I'm sure it's a blast	once you get used to it.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart Vs. Thanksgiving
%
Lisa:	Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.

Homer:	Well, thank you, honey.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Vs. Lisa And The 8th Commandment
%
Selma:	It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.

Homer:	Take it to the hoop, Selma!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Principal Charming
%
Burns:	Good Lord, Smithers!  You look atrocious.  I thought I told you to
	take a vacation.

Homer:	Uh, Smithers already left, sir.  I'm his replacement, Homer
	Simpson.

		   Homer The Smithers
%
Bart:	Oh, cheer up, Mom.  You can't buy publicity like that.  Thousands
	and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford.

Homer:	You can call them Whitey-whackers!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Twisted World Of Marge Simpson
%
Oh, `no attitude,' eh?  Not `in your face,' huh?  Well, you can cram it
with walnuts, ugly!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
%
Homer:	I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in
	town.

Marge:	Maybe we should move to a larger community.

		   There's No Disgrace Like Home
%
Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?!  I'm a blimp!  Why are all the good
things so tasty?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brush With Greatness
%
And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a
single proven fatality, at least in this country.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Quiet, you kids!  If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch
cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
%
Bart:	I had a fight with Milhouse.

Homer:	That four-eyes with the big nose?  You don't need friends like
	that.

Lisa:	How Zen.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer Defined
%
Homer:	Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were
	discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

Scully:	Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.

Homer:	We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard.  Ya
	happy?

		   The Springfield Files
%
Flanders:
	They're not perfect, but the Lord says love they neighbor --

Homer:	Shut up, Flanders.

Flanders:
	Okely-dokely-do.

		   Hurricane Neddy
%
Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I
thought it's be fun and exciting, like the movie `Spaceballs.'  But
instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie `Police
Academy.'

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Connection
%
Bart:	Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me.  How do you feel?

Homer:	Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his
	conversion by Ambrose of Milan.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
%
That's fine for you, Marge.  But I used to rock and roll all night and
party every day.  Then it was every other day.  Now I'm lucky if I can
find half an hour a week in which to get funky.  I've got to get out of
this rut and back into the groove!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homerpalooza
%
Good morning, fellow employee.  You'll notice that I am now a model 
worker.  We should continue this conversation later, during the designated
break periods.  Sincerely, Homer Simpson.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Enemy
%
A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lisa The Greek
%
Apu:	You look familiar, sir.  Are you on the television or something?

Homer:	Sorry, buddy.  You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

		   Homer's Night Out
%
Now, son, you don't want to drink beer.  That's for daddys, and kids with
fake IDs.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The Springfield Files
%
Marge:	Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six
	servings a week?

Homer:	Marge, I'm only human.

		   Principal Charming
%
Oh, look at me!  I'm making people happy.  I'm the magical man from
Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaane!  Oh, by the way, I
was being sarcastic.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Flaming Moe's
%
I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market
guy.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerke
%
Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's
brightest stars come out to shine?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?
%
Oh my God, someone's trying to kill me!  Oh wait, it's for Bart.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Cape Feare
%
It all happened during the magical summer of 1985.  A maturing Joe
Piscopo left `Saturday Night Live' to conquer Hollywood; People
Express introduced a generation of hicks to plane travel; and I was
in a barbershop quartet.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Homer's Barbershop Quartet
%
Burns:	I can't understand a word you're saying.

Homer:	My name is Homer Simpson!

Burns:	You're just babbling incoherently...

Homer:	Oh, you're a dead man, Burns.  Oh, you're dead!  You're dead,
	Burns!

		   Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part 1)
%
Burns:	Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club!  A
	sand wedge!

Homer:	Mmm ... open-faced club sandwich.

		   Scenes From The Class Struggle In Springfield
%
Woman:	Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very
	valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Homer:	I have misplaced my pants.

		   Bart After Dark
%
Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and
love our family's experienced ... well, not today.  You saw what
happened.  Oh, Lord, be honest.  Are we the most pathetic family in
the universe, or what?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart Vs. Thanksgiving
%
This is the greatest thrill of my life!  I'm king of the world!  Wooo,
wooo!  Wooo, wooo!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart The Daredevil
%
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike.  You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed.  That's the American way.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   The PTA Disbands
%
Oh, I love your magazine.  My favorite section is `How to Increase
Your Word Power.'  That thing is really, really, really ... good.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington
%
One day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about
for generations.  You may outsmart someone.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart The Genius
%
The code of the schoolyard, Marge!  The rules that teach a boy how to
be a man!  Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different
from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly
the same way you do.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart The General
%
Homer:	Ooh, look at this one!  The Hammer of Thor!  (Reading)  "It
	will send your pins to ... Valhalla?"  Lisa?

Lisa:	Valhalla is where vikings go when they die.

Homer:	Ooh, that's some ball.

		   The Telltale Head
%
Marge:	Name one of your child's friends.

Homer:	Uh, let's see, Bart's friends ... Well, there's the fat kid
	with the thing; uh, the little wiener whose always got his
	hands in his pockets.

		   Saturdays Of Thunder
%
Smithers:
	Next.  There's a problem with the reactor -- what do you do?

Homer:	There's a problem with the reactor??  We're all going to die!!

		   I Married Marge
%
Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something
stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Mr. Plow
%
I'm tired of being a wanna-be league bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Team Homer
%
Marge:	I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible
	say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you
	do unto me...?"

Homer:	Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take
	moochers into thy hut?"

		   The Otto Show
%
Homer:	All right, Herb.  I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks.  But you have
	to forgive me and treat me like a brother.

Herb:	Nope.

Homer:	All right, then, just give me the drinking bird.

		   Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?
%
Burns:	Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something
	like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.

Homer:	You said it, you weirdo.

		   Mountain Madness
%
Marge, please, old people don't need companionship.  They need to be
isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have
that might be extracted for our personal use.

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Lady Bouvier's Lover
%
Marge:	Maybe it'll turn out that he was innocent all along.

Homer:	Earth to Marge.  Earth to Marge.  I was there ... the clown's
	G-I-L-L-T-Y. 

		   Krusty Gets Busted
%
Oh, cruel fate.  Why do you mock me?

		-- Homer Simpson
		   Bart the Daredevil
