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# These are mostly from Debian's "fortune" collection
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GIVE UP!!!!
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
/* Halley */ (Halley's comment.)
FORTH IF HONK THEN
Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
All's well that ends.
That's what she said.
try again
O.K., fine.
If it ain't baroque, don't phiques it.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
If in doubt, mumble.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
You're not Dave. Who are you?
Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
Chocolate chip.
With your bare hands?!?
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Old mail has arrived.
Drop that pickle!
Truth can wait; he's used to it.
Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
Please go away.
Slow day. Practice crawling.
Gloffing is a state of mine.
FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
So much food; so little time!
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
The bogosity meter just pegged.
Is this really happening?
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC READY >
Kilroe hic erat!
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
Nothing happens.
Questionable day. Ask somebody something.
The horror... the horror!
Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
A day for firm decisions!!!! Or is it?
3327 BYTES FREE
Quick! Act as if nothing has happened!
Have an adequate day.
Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Killing turkeys causes winter.
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
Littering is dumb. -- Ronald Macdonald
Tagline, you're it!
Victory or defeat!
"Oh Bother", said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
You too can wear a nose mitten.
Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
A billion here, a couple of billion there - first thing you know it adds up to be real money. - E.M. Dirksen
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
A celebrity is a person who is well known for his well-knownness.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - Mark Twain
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. - Mark Twain
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. - O'Henry
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. - John Ciardi
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way to combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore.
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
Acid - better living through chemistry.
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. - H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All science is either physics or stamp collecting. - E. Rutherford
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
Angels we have heard on High - Tell us to go out and Buy. - Tom Leher
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." - Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen
Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Indian proverb
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together... - Carl Zwanzig
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. - Don Vonada
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Hail to the sun god - He sure is a fun god - Ra! Ra! Ra!
Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
"He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered."
Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." - English Professor
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." - Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. - Clarence Darrow
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. - Mark Twain
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. - Gallagher
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
"Kirk to Enterprise - beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - Charlie Brown
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. - Mike Adams
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. - D. Parker
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. - R. Hall
Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.- R. Hall
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The fact that it works is immaterial. - L. Ogborn
The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat. - Ogden Nash.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." - C. S. Lewis
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. - Henrick Ibson
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin
All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're put together backwards. - Steve Martin
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
A dirty mind is a joy forever. - Randy Kunkee
I'm not a god, I was misquoted. - Lister, Red Dwarf
Whoever named necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare. - B. Houghton
"Why not have the kids shot for Easter, or have a family portrait taken? What have you to lose?"
If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring your food up. - in a Tel Aviv hotel room
"I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now."
Drop out now before your mind rots from exposure to our educational system. - Frank Zappa
You are in a twisty maze of standards, all different.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. - Ross MacDonald
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. - Voltaire
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - C.G. Jung
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. - Gloria Leonard
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orben
The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity. - George Bernard Shaw
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
"There is, on the whole, nothing on earth intended for innocent people so horrible as a school." - George Bernard Shaw
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. - Mark Twain
"The Internet, of course, is more than just a place to find pictures of people having sex with dogs." - Time Magazine, 3 July 1995
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
"If there were gods, how could I endure it, not to be a god? Hence, there are no gods." - Nietzsche
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. - J.B. White
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once - learn to dread each day as it comes. - Donald Kaul
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - Oscar Levant
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut. - Channing Pollock
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. - W. C. Fields
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
"We are upping our standards ... so up yours." - Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
"Usenet is Frosty The Snowman committing suicide with a flame thrower." - Kibo
The more I see of men, the better I like my dog. - Pascal
IDIOT, n - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. - Ambrose Bierce

